Sail Through an Empty Night

Check that out. I made my own set of Runes. I got a carving tool and carved the shape of each letter/symbol into black polished river rocks, then filled in the carving with silver metallic paint. I think they turned out for a first try. Tomorrow, I plan on picking up some fabric from Wally World and making a Rune Cloth and a Rune bag to hold them. The thing they're sitting on is a black box, I plan to keep the Runes and Tarot cards inside of it.




Too bad I didn't have the Runes done yesterday because then I might have seen this thing with Keith coming ahead of time. We got in a fight tonight about something that I consider to be incredibly important and he ended up trying to brush off as if it was an insignificant matter that required no further discussion.

See, I have spent a lot of time on my own. From the time I moved in with my Dad, I was like an only child in that environment. I learned how to entertain myself when Dad was busy, or at work, or my friends couldn't come out to play. And as I got older, being social was always fun, but I needed that time to retreat and be alone, reflex on things. Even when I was living at home, I was in my room a lot, reading, writing, drawing, playing around on the computer etc. I came out when I wanted the company. I just like to drift. Silence. It's golden.

Anyways, Keith didn't take that too well. I made sure to explain that it had nothing to do with him or his company. That he was great, I still like him, and it was just a me thing. I wanted some time to myself. Hell, I didn't even go see Brandy on Sunday when she asked. Brandy and I use to hang out on Friday's and go shopping and what not, and now...no dice.

Keith freaked out when I tried to explain after I'd rested a bit. He said to me "I don't completely understand but if that's what makes you happy. Do you still like me?" I explained that I did, and it wasn't about him. He SPAZZED. "I KNOW IT'S NOT ABOUT ME! YOU SAID THAT 5 TIMES ALREADY!" Er...well he did just ask. At that point I lost some control on my temper and told him he was a grown man and I wasn't going to reassure him all the time. He then told me we weren't going to the movies anymore. I said that was fine, but if he was trying to punish me for something it wasn't going to work. But he claims that he was giving me the space I wanted. For petessakes I could have smacked him upside the damn head. Finally, he swore at me and went offline.

He did come back online after a while, and ignored me. Messaged me about 2 hours later to say that everything was fine, he was sorry, and everything was back to normal. WTF? I don't think so. I don't let things go that easily, I'm sorry. You can't just start a fight, run away, then act like it didn't happen. It's not a cliche chick thing to talk it out, it's an adult thing to try and solve a problem. He freaked out again, said I was overreacting to his earlier actions and comments. I said that from the opinion of a few trusted friends I'd confided in, that he was overreacting and I had every right to be irritated with him. That sent him on a tirade about how I wasn't allowed to discuss our business with anyone else. Not allowed? Fffb. He's lucky I have some self control because the letters F and U were on my tongue. I didn't say it, I bit it back. This from the man who hosts his journal on his website that almost 3000 people have visited. Where he discusses us, in view of all his friends and ex-girlfriends and anyone who stumbles across it. Hypocrite.

Finally, he just said he wasn't going to talk about it anymore and I went to watch CSI and finish the Rune set.

I'm still pissed. My muscles are all tense. I think I'll go take a hot bath and go to bed. Doubt much will have changed by morning, I don't cool off that easily if a problem isn't resolved. Oh well.

Toughest of the Tough But Still A Lady

I have no sweet clue as to why I am making such a weird face in that picture. I can only assume that Keith took it while I was saying something. Fun picture though, with the train whizzing on by as I stand there, dangerously close. Actually, I was about 6 feet from the train, and in no danger at all. We have at least 3 trains per day. The Via Rail train passes through in the early hours of the morning, and then comes through again in the evening. And then there's train's like the one in the picture, to deliver goodness knows what. I imagine that it goes to the Mills at some point.

Keith and I are back on even ground, I think. I was feeling very weirded out after his little mood swing on Saturday and was worried that my feelings would end up sticking. Maybe I'm a little too judgemental, but I won't be dating Keith if he keeps that sort of attitude up on even a semi-regular basis. Honestly, I daresay he's got some anger issues. He needs to just relax, and I can't be the one responsible for unwinding him all the time. He needs to find something that mellows him out. I think, for him, it's playing guitar. For me, I like to drive in the car with the music blasting at ear splitting levels until all the tension seeps from my body.

Anyone who knows me even a little bit knows about my addiction. No, it's not alcohol, drugs or the internet. It's crime television. If you were to call me at any given time, and ask me what I was watching, 98% of the time the TV is tuned to A&E. Shows like Crossing Jordan, City Confidential, Cold Case, American Justice, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Third Watch and most recently CSI: Miami. I don't know why I was such a holdout on that particular program, since it's been on TV since 2002. But I am HOOKED! I watch it on A&E Monday mornings at 4am before work, it's on Monday nights on Global and CBS (the new eps), and A&E plays the program week nights at at 9pm, with a mini-marathon on Friday afternoons.

I love Horratio, with his head tilted to the side, glancing over the top of his glasses. His calm demeanor as he scrutinizes some criminal dirtbag. He's infinately patient, dedicated and underneath that hard shell, he cares about people. Second to him, on the show, for me, is Calleigh. She's Southern, smart and sometimes she cracks me right up. "Y'all are talking about microwaving a human hand!" Plus, I don't find this show is nearly as disgusting as CSI and CSI: New York. Sometimes those ones get WAY too graphic for my tastes.

Sadly, my love of crime shows caught up with me yesterday. I was watching Cold Case, and there was one particular segment about a young boy named Randy who'd gone missing and remained so for 15 years. The cops had a man they suspected of killing him (he was also a suspect in the murder of 2 boys in Florida, and had killed a child when he was a young man) in their sights but had no body. Poor Randy. When they finally unearthed his remains, it was evident the boy had been tortured badly before death. I hope that he was dead when the genital mutilation took place. They showed the boy's pelvic bone, where the suspect had anally...sodimized the child with a sharp object to the point there were saw marks on the pelvic bone. That really stuck with me. The guy (can't remember his name) deserved to be...drawn and quartered alive for the things he did to at least 3 boys. He died of natural causes in prision, and I hope there is a hell, for the sole purpose of that bastard to burn for eternity.

I don't believe, normally, in the death penalty...but I become a hypocrite of sorts when it comes to children and the crimes committed against them. Monsters. Every last one of them. At least there is some small satisfaction, that even in prision amongst the worst of the worst criminals, child killers and child rapists are targets for abuse, scorn and hatred. My Uncle works in a max prision, and from what I understand, some prisions will house these guys in seperate wards because they'll be killed if released into the general population. I say, they get what they deserve. I'm not saying I wish for it, but if it happens, c'est la vie. Compassion is given where compassion is shown, as the saying goes. These men and women gave none, deserve none.

The cold seems to be clearing up. Today's cough seems more like a dry cough than anything. That's a plus. Hopefully I'll be back on my feet by Monday.

Haven't heard much from Abby in the last while. She's busy with work, I know that. She's tired, I know that. But, it wouldn't hurt to call me. Afterall, she made the pledge to work on the friendship with me, that we would do something together once a week. I even invited her, repeatedly, to game night. No dice. Oh well. Maybe the friendship has run it's course. Only time will tell.

Rain Clouds Come to Play Again

Miss Pickles, I do so love you. This afternoon, I left a dresser drawer open full of FOLDED clothing, while I ironed something that came out of the dryer wrinkled. Was ironing away, while my fuzzy and chubby kitten decided to unfold everything into her own personal little bed. I wish I had a better dresser for her, cause the cheap nails don't stay well in the press-wood when a cat is jumping in and out of the drawer at her leisure, and rolling around in there amongst the clothing.

I took a few pictures, but that is my favourite one of the lot.

Today was suppose to be a really good day but I'm not sure what happened. Keith picked me up to go to Bathurst for the afternoon, to do a bit of shopping. He was kind of in a strange mood when we arrived at the mall, sort of restless and wandered off on me a bit. That was fine, needed a new bra and Zellers was having a sale. Picked up a great pair of jeans (I had bought the same ones a few months earlier for almost $50, and I got them for less than $20 today) as well.

We ended up at Staples where he fussed about the external HD not being in stock. I mentioned they had some big cans of compressed air for a good price, since his laptop was in dire need of a spraying. He grunted at me, I took that as "I don't want it" or "no" and left it on the shelf. Later, he said "Did you grab that air?" and I said "Well...no...you didn't say you wanted." Turns out, that grunt meant "Yeah, grab that." Er...if that grunt meant yes I am in some serious trouble. I don't know his sounds at all.

Then, we sort of drove around and he was again, restless, really quiet. At one point, we'd gone to SuperStore before supper because he was really hungry. On the way out, he began to go on and on and on about how ugly this woman was. I mean, on. "I know I'm not shit hot, but Jesus. Come on people." Now...I'm all for a good joke at someone's expense as long as there is the element of humour and I don't take it too far. But this wasn't even a joke, it was just him being a jerk. She wasn't even ugly! And, it's not like it's her fault even if she was. I could sort of see if he was saying something about her weight if she was morbidly obese or something (not that I'm advocating that, but meaning she could at least do something about it). Finally, I said something, so he'd take it easy.

The ride home was very silent. Keith barely spoke. At first I thought it was the rain, but it was clear that he was locked inside his mind. He did touch my leg and leave his hand their twice but then retreated back to his side of the car. I had a bit of a sinus headache at this point, and didn't want to disturb his thoughts. And at this point my good mood had been spoiled, so I remained silent (save for when he did speak to me) for most of the ride home.

He's in a bit of a pity-mode right now. That's fine, I'm sure he'll get over it.

Here's the shake, though. The whole thing has sort of soured me a bit. Liz has given me a bit of advise about remaining friends for at least another 3 months. She says that I have a "life blanket" and normally she's trying to drag it away from me. But with this whole Keith thing, she seems to think I should have it wrapped around my waist at this point.

I agree.

My God It's So Beautiful When the Boy Smiles

Sniff sniff. Can you smell that, Kids and Kittens? It's election day here in the province of New Brunswick. Rather dull campaign, if you ask me. The Tory's and Grits are in a statistical deadheat. With the new electoral map this election, we could see some changes in a few ridings. Polls are open at 10am until 8pm tonight. Remember, if you don't vote you lose your right to complain. Don't like the government? Let them know. Vote for opposition, vote NDP (a good balance of power but not a good party to lead) or just plain spoil your ballot so they know you cared enough to get off your duff and say "hey, none of these guys deserve my vote." Remember to mark your ballot with an X and to not include the letters F & U.

See my obligatory picture today? That's from the NB Progressive Conservative website! And that dark haired chick in the blue golf tee, with the armload of press packages, pointing a mic at Premier Lord during a media scrum? That's me! Kind of cool that I made it on his website, even if you can't see my face.

Tonight I'm working election coverage and I'm sort of so-so on that. I don't want to work tonight just because I've been working so much since Mark left that I sometimes loathe to be here even a second past my 8 hours of required time. And on the otherhand I'm excited to do the coverage because I'll be telling several ridings the results as they happen, live. Who knew I'd end up developing an interest in politics and world events? Strange how things change.

Speaking of change. A while back I got an envelope full of wedding pictures from Melissa. We were best friends in high school. Thick as theives we were. But we drifted apart for various reasons that seemed important at the time, and less so as I reflect back on things. Everything happens for a reason. My last year of high school in Ontario I spent with Katie, Liz, Jen, Amanda, Lenny, Julia and the Amy's. Good times. Anyways, the pictures look great. They had a Celtic wedding and everyone dressed in period costume to attend. I'd post the pictures but they're not mine to post, and I respect their privacy. But it was stunning.

My destiny to spend the rest of my life in a bubble (allergies, you know) is going to come to light. I had a small allergy test last Tuesday and it went horribly. I was tested for apples (I ate apples and nectaries one morning and developed a huge rash on my neck and face) and hazelnuts. Not allergic to apples...well, I still might be, but not skin wise. Could be an oral allergy. Hazelnuts I knew I was allergic to, I discovered that I couldn't eat the freshly picked ones about 2 years ago when my tongue got itchy, my lips hurt and I couldn't swallow. But the nurse INSISTED I be tested to find out how severe. Bloody severe is what. My lips went numb, the hive got huge and started to grow limbs as it spread across my arm, I sneezed, my arm hurt and itched like crazy. So, when I told the nurse that my lips were numb she ran and got the doctor who was in the other waiting room with someone else. He flew in, and gave me a needle (sort of like an epipen but in a needle) and that HURT like a fat bitch on Monday. Almost as painful as the damn flu shot. He knows I hate needles, and he says to me "I haven't seen you in a while. I'm sorry I have to give you a needle today." And then harpooned me. Considerate man. I have to be retested for all of my environmental allergies because I don't have the documents from my Ontario doctor. I'm hoping really hard that I won't have to have it done on my back again. I'm considering asking to be sedated. Seriously. It was an Fing nightmare.

More changes are happening in my life. Scary ones. Good scary, but scary none the less.

Yesterday I read something in Keith's journal. He and I have been sort of pussyfooting around eachother in terms of a concrete "we're dating" relationship. Instead we're seeing eachother, without any physical type of contact (except hugging). I know that sounds lame, but I don't like to rush into relationships because that never works out in the end. If you build up to something, it's meaningful. I believe people should be friends before they're lovers. He's admitted to having what he's termed "a huge crush" on me. He's incredibly sweet and sometimes the way he looks at me, or the little things he does makes me just...I can't even describe what I feel. But I read in his journal that he wasn't sure we'd work out in an actual relationship. I've never felt that kind of pain before, like a squeezing on my heart. A pressure on my chest, a queasy feeling in my stomach. And rage. Not the kind of rage that would cause me to harm someone but just this feeling of anger. I couldn't separate the anger though. For him playing around with me like that and then at myself for getting close to someone. I was seething when I had to go into work because Keith and Ed had bungled up some stuff (with Steve's help). He thought I was mad about work related stuff, and it all came spilling out later that night. And he confessed that he was scared because he cared about me so much that it was startling. Hell, that's what I'm feeling right now. But I'm scared to get close to him if he's going to bolt and break my heart. That saying "better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" might be true, but easier said than done. Isn't it emotional suicide to become involved and attached to someone who tends to bolt when things get serious?

Some food for thought.

Worried about my friend Liz. She's going through a dark spot and requested a card reading from me, to see if there was any light at the end of the dark tunnel she's in. I've done them for her before, so she trusts what the cards are saying. I'll probably try to carve out some time tonight and do that for her before coming back in to work.

I'm so flippin' busy lately that it takes me forever to get to stuff. Blarg. I'll get to you all, I promise!

There's Just Too Much Time Cannot Erase

Card 11 of 14 in the Minor Arcana of the Swords. It's the Knight of Swords. The deck is the one I've had for several years, called the Balbi deck. It was created in the 1970's and features both Spanish and English text on most of the cards. It's fairly easy to tell what's what in the Minor cards without the English. The deck belonged to my Mother, and she gave it to me. I kept them for years steeping in an old steamer trunk with my most favoured childhood possessions. My sister raided the trunk at some point, and destroyed the box that houses them. You can imagine how angry I would be.

Apparently such poor treatment makes the cards angry themselves. I'm not sure I believe that entirely, since the cards are simply cards with illustrations and the power to read them as they fall comes from the reader and from the questioner. It's impossible for the cards to be "evil". They're cards. It's in your mind.

So why am I posting about Tarot cards? Over the long weekend, Keith and I travelled to the big city and he bought a new deck of cards for himself. I liked a few of the decks on display but I truly enjoy the Balbi deck most. It is said that cards which are a gift are better than ones you buy for yourself. I asked Keith to do a reading of the cards with his new deck, but we didn't get to it until last night. He ended up using his older deck of Vampire cards.

Not sure I really liked the overall reading. He used a spread I'm not familiar with, I can't recall what one. The cards told him that I was going to have an issue with a close friend of mine over a moral issue beyond my control. It was based on something the friend would do, and I would either have to compromise something or the friendship is going to end. Not sure what could happen morally with a friend, and I dare to not speculate as to which friend it is. Another round of cards said that during a family celebration in October (possibly Thanksgiving) that it would be spoiled due to a heart condition with a family member. This has me worried, as my great grandmother passed away in October of last year due to a heart attack. I'm hoping he was picking up on past events. I really hope. If my Dad has a heart attack...I don't know what I'd do. The third round of cards said that my career would stay the same but the routine will change. So maybe stay working here at the station but afternoons, or news or something. The other things the cards revealed in their final phase of the spread was that if I get a raise at all, it'll be tiny (I expected that anyways), that my love life will take some shape but to wait it out.

Afterwards, I got my Balbi deck out and the book I've been using to guide me and I showed him the spread I use, which is the Celtic Cross. It's one of the more detailed spreads a reader can do. I felt super self-conscious doing a reading for someone who's been reading cards for as long as Keith has. He was taught by his grandparents. But he was patient with me while I sorted it all out. I've done a few readings before and they've been accurate but something strange happened this time. I got a powerful feeling from one of his cards. I'll say it was one of the 3's but not which card (for his privacy). It was very overwhelming and I could have even shed a few tears had I let myself fully embrace the feeling of the card. It was based on his past, and it was sad. Not like death sad, but heartache.

I know...I know. I said cards aren't evil, so how can they FEEL like something. But the cards can feel evil if the reading is a bad one. The cards themselves, though, as a deck, are not evil. And if you're afraid of Tarot cards you should be afraid of playing cards. The art of reading playing cards began when the Catholic Church banned the Tarot deck. So readers would read the decks we play with now so that if someone came over, it would look as though the reader and questioner were simply playing cards. This is known as cartomancy.


On a somewhat lighter note...got a few new aquistions over the last few days. Saturday, in the city, I bought a copy of "To Light a Candle" by Mercedes Lackey and James Mallory. It's book 2 of the Obsidian Trilogy. I got the first book for Christmas and couldn't put it down. The Third and final book has been released in hardcover but hasn't hit soft yet. I wanted it but couldn't justify spending $50 on a book that will be $12 in softcover in a matter of months.

I also picked up "The Best of She-Ra" which is a 2 disc dvd collection with "The Secret of the Sword" the movie on how Force-Captain Adora quit the side of evil and became She-Ra Princess of Power. It's also got 5 episodes of the show, 2 art cards and special features. I was so excited that I'd found some She-Ra on dvd. He-Man, Thundercats and other 80's tunes are out, but She-Ra hasn't been released.

Last night Keith brought over the Acer 19 inch flat panel LCD monitor. I traded him my Behringer Euro-Rack audio mixer for it. He's a musician and already loves it and plans to have a few songs recorded by the week's end. He's not bad either, I heard a song of his recorded a few years ago. The lyrics could use a bit of work but he's skillful with the guitar.

Oh yeah! My parents celebrated their retirement/being morgage free on Friday with lobster and an expensive bottle of Dom Perignon Champaign they'd been saving for years and years now. Lobster was great, champaign was somewhat of an aquired taste. Good to spend time with my parents and grandparents.