My Heart Knows Me Better

Abby and I like to listen to that song "Ridin' (Dirty)" by Chamillionarie feat. Krazee Bone (or however you spell their names), even though as two white girls we really can't relate to the song at all. Have you heard it? The song's about a guy who's always being hounded by the cops as they try to catch him doing something illegal in his nice car with his loud music.

Anyways, we took this picture goofing around one day before we took a drive. It all started a week or so before on our way to the beach when I was being the dork that I am, and I did the "homie pose" while that rap song was playing on the stereo. Abby thought that was hilarious but her phone was dead and I'd left my camera at home. We're can be silly.

But I think the good times are on their way down. Sadly. I don't know what's going on with Abby anymore. I call her to see if she wants to hang out and she says "I'm tired" and because she's my best friend, I believe her. Why wouldn't I? Ah, I know that's naive, isn't it? See, my problem is that even though I may seem bitter and jaded, I really do have a soft heart and I'd like to trust more people a lot easier than I do.

Okay, so here's what's been eating me about the whole Abby relationship.

Thursday I asked Cameron to get Abby to call me. I can't remember why I stopped over there. Maybe it was to get something to eat, and popped in as I was walking by. Anyways, Abby wasn't around. Cameron said she was "out with the kids" and that had me puzzled since she doesn't have kids. Apparently, she was out with Lisa (the wife of Cameron's tech Jody) and her kids at the waterpark. I was shocked, and I'm not exaggerating, I was SHOCKED when Abby actually called me back. It was a rather short conversation and it was a "what do you want?" Sort of call, but okay, at least she called me back. When I had her on the phone I asked her if she wanted to do something this weekend with me. I didn't really know what, and I didn't care to be honest. Cards, movie, bake something...anything. I just hadn't spent any real amount of time with Abby in ages. She said to me "We'll see how I feel." and I thought maybe she was sick or had her girl flu but she just meant "We'll see how tired I feel." So, I suggest she call me up on Saturday and we'd see. She agreed.

It's 3ish on Saturday and I'm done cleaning the apartment when I realize that I haven't heard from Abby yet, so, while out to take the garbage to the dumpster, I walk down to Cameron's store and pop in to see if she if she's up to something. I don't see Abby, but Cameron is upstairs, so I ask if she's around. "Nope, she went to the pow-wow across the river with Lisa." Oh. I'll admit I was disappointed. I want to make it clear that I am NOT jealous of Lisa at all. NOT AT ALL. My problem is that when I want to hang out with Abby it's like she's doing me a favour to spend 2 hours driving around barely talking to me cause the music is loud and I don't want to get on her nerves (I'll get to that). Abby is spending a ton of time with Lisa, and almost everytime I see her she mentions "We were at Jody and Lisa's house until 4 am" or "Lisa and I are going to do the bake sale together at Christmas" or something. I honestly don't remember the last time that I spent that much time with Abby. I usually get 2 hours every week and a half to two weeks.

When I was out camping, I got a key cut so that Abby could come check on Pickles and Meeko and make sure they had enough water. The apartment gets really hot and the water from their dish evaporates quickly. I left the cats on Saturday AM but someone needed to check them that night. I guess Abby had gone to Jody and Cameron's on Friday and stayed until 4am and then went to work at 10am. And Abby was too tired to walk upstairs, put water in the cat dish and make sure they had food. She didn't. Chris and I got home, and the cats dishes were dry, the food bowl was empty and the litter hadn't been cleaned. The cats were thirsty and went right for the bowls when I filled them. For whatever reason the cats won't drink out of a regular dish, but just the little stainless steel ones. So Abby says to me on the phone, when I tell her that "Your cats will just have to learn to not be so fussy." ...They're CATS! That's what they do. Bah.

The last post about me and Abby in this blog was due to Abby's (then) recent cruelness towards me. I couldn't figure out what I'd done to her to piss her off but for whatever reason, for several weeks, Abby had been rather mean to me. I got so upset about the whole thing, and that day I called her on it, over MSN (I hate confrontation...MSN was easier than by phone or in person). First she said she wasn't being mean and that I was actually being rude to her. I asked for an example several times, thinking I had been careless with her feelings, but she failed to give me any example at all. Then, she switched tactics and said the reason she was being so mean to me was because I seemed like I was in a rut and that pissed her off and caused her to lose her temper with me. WTF? Absolutely. This makes me crazy because when Abby was having her depression and felt like she was dead inside, I was there for her. I made time for her, talked to her, called her, tried to get her to come out and DO something. She cried on my shoulder, asked me for advice, and when she needed space I gave it to her. So for her to decide that when I'm needing that same sort of friendship, the answer is to not spend time with me, and when she does, to be a complete bitch.

Sometimes she says things and I don't think she realizes completely that what she's saying is insulting. Like, when she makes comments about Acadians. That really hurts my feelings, and she tries to get around the comments by saying "Yeah but you're not hardcore Acadian". I'll admit that not all Acadian customs (like some of the music) are my favourite, but they are part of my heritage, and so I appriciate them on that level. Screaming "f#$%ing Acadians" in the middle of traffic while the Acadian Games were in town was not bright.

I tried to call Abby, on Friday, because I have huge news (which I'll post about once I have it in my hands) and she was no where to be found. Didn't return my calls either.

Today I will give her a call, arrange to pick up my things from her either today (if they end up going to the store) or tomorrow after I'm done work. Pick up my spare key, my CD's before any more of them get chucked out the window.

There is no way for me to describe the disappointment I feel about this whole situation. I feel like I can't talk to Abby about it directly either. I've spoken to Terri about it because she went through something similar with Juel a few years ago. Terri could relate, and she felt bad that I'm having to deal with this. She gave me some good advice, and I already had an idea that that's what I was going to have to do.

The great thing is, I'll be able to see Brandy, Craig, the boys and all the critters a lot more. That's where I was yesterday. Well, after the parade I did yesterday. Had a BBQ at Brandy's, spent time with her and the family, got to hold their new bird Murphy. I forget what he is, but it's some sort of tropical bird for sure. He's bright green, with yellow and orange on his stomach and a grey head. Gorgeous bird. He bit me a few times but nothing serious.

Oh and Keith and I have sort of come to terms with things, and we'll probably hang out when he's back (and not at school/working). I'm going to see if I can't get him a job here at the station. I need some new friends. Get out of the house. Stop subjecting myself to this kind of heartache.